Article published in Red

People with strong self-esteem find difficult people easier to cope with because they don't take their behaviour so personally.

By Christina Osborne, Chief Executive of Business Solutions

“I know that when I am under stress at work, I become controlling and demanding”

For Philippa Trent, 30, who works in medical administration, it was her boss she found difficult. “He would deliberate for ages over decisions, which I found hard. I was reliant on him to approve things before I could do them, and I found him very indecisive, which made me feel that he didn’t trust my judgement or ability. It undermined me, and it nearly drove me bonkers.

It’s important to recognise differences in the way people behave in order to communicate more easily, says Christina Osborne, management consultant and Chief Executive of Business Solutions (BSol.co.uk). “While some people are very theoretical, others are action-oriented, for example. Both may be valid, but if you have a tendency to take one approach, its alternative can seem frustrating. Although people are different from birth, they also learn from childhood to behave in ways that work for them. For example, if you get what you want by being loud and assertive, or conversely very passive, then that becomes your model of behaviour. Other people might find you difficult, but you go on doing it because it achieves results. What also happens is that people have different tolerances, so while one behavioural type might drive you mad, it doesn’t bother someone else. In a social situation, you can choose whether or not you continue to see a person who causes you stress. But in a work situation – where different personality types in a team can actually improve its performance – it’s important to find ways to deal with it.”

Techniques devised for use in the workplace also transfer to other areas of life. “Try to recognise what it is that grates,” says Osborne. “What it is that triggers a reaction in you, and where it comes from. Does this person’s behaviour remind you of someone in the past who intimidated or irritated you, perhaps when you were a child? Identifying where your response comes from gives you a chance to step back. Then it doesn’t get to you in the same emotional way, and you can deal with it more objectively.”

Observing body language also helps. Research has shown that communication is 55 per cent understood through body language, 38 per cent through the tone of voice and a mere 7 per cent through what is being said. We react subconsciously to other people’s body language, but we can actively use our own to improve communication with a difficult person. “You can mirror another’s body language to establish a rapport, which helps you take control of a situation,” says Osborne. “Eye contact is key, and adopting an open stance with your arms uncrossed. It doesn’t necessarily come easily, especially if you feel threatened or vulnerable – which is why self-esteem is important. People with strong self-esteem find difficult people easier to cope with because they don’t take their behaviour so personally.”

Of course, none of us are paragons and we all have a tendency to slip into one of Dr Bramson’s difficult personality archetypes. “I know that when I am under stress at work, I become more controlling and demanding of everyone including myself,” says Jill Ashley, 32, who works for a communications company. “I see that while it makes me more effective, it doesn’t always make me the easiest of people to live or work with. My boyfriend is always telling me to relax, which infuriates me, but he’s right. The trouble is, when the pressure’s on, I become a bit of a know-it-all bully to get things done!”

For more information, read: The Complete Guide to Stress Management by Dr Chandra Patel (Vermilion. £12.99); Coping with Difficult People by Robert Bramson (Simon & Schuster Audio £9.99); Dealing with Difficult People by Christina Osborne (Dorling Kindersley, £4.99).